you never really know where 3 years gets you until you’ve gone through it from good vibes to lonely nights, from counting days to months.. and little do you know you start counting years. it’s unbelievable where time goes and how much someone can open up in that time span and how one person has this power to actually unfold someone’s past, character, body language, thoughts and significant experiences. it’s crazy how once you’ve started to let your guard down, you never realize day by day how the shield you’re suppose to leave up disappears into dust. it turns into this some kind of connection you’ve never felt before. this bond you just can’t get a hold of. this attachment that words can’t describe why you’re so interested with this specific person. it’s frustrating and rare how one person has got you so hooked and has got you in this emotional spectrum. he makes you feel the happiest one day and then the next he makes you feel like complete bullshit. you’re lost. confused and you never know where this is going. but you go with the tide of waves and where the situation takes you. there’s no definite explanation why him, and how it happened. sounds cliche. but it sounds magical. how everything just fell into place and reached where we’ve been. until now, it’s still all surreal to me. every step we took, every ways we took, every wrong paths we took that almost lead us to letting go, to all the times we’ve tried letting go but never fully dis attaching ourselves to each other. and i still wonder why we never put an end to this. when i know there were nights when it was too difficult to handle. when there were days jealousy was out of hand, days when trust seemed nowhere to be found. when there were really reasons why we should have given up. it’s like all the bad days added up together, all the tears combined, the doubts and worries circumvented with each other should be enough reasons to say bye.

but three years has passed and let me just put it this way it’s like the light switch you turn it off and on. and sometimes the light switch is left on when it shouldn’t. just like how i feel like at times in this relationship. i feel like it’s on. we’re together. we’re under the label of boyfriend girlfriend. call each other baby. txt each other all day tell each other we love each other. but the effort’s gone, the spark’s running out, we start asking for distance. and by now you would have thought trust is fully built. but it’s not. cause feelings wore out. honesty is easily twisted into lies. cause things end. promises are forgotten and relationships are meant to be broken. that’s just how it goes. and i shouldn’t fear that day to come. because it’s life and that’s how it’s made. and there’s nothing to regret because if what once was the best thing in your world drifts away and randomly disappears from your sight. there’s memories, lessons learned and experiences to always smile about and of course an interesting love story to share. 

however i’m still here, i love him more than anything so the ironic part about this. i don’t think i’ll ever find a reason to give up. I don’t think any reason is enough. well for now i can say. I just can’t picture having nobody like him to love every single day.  

<3

I was completely back to normal

but oh wait, nevermind i’m still hurt. i do ridiculous things just to get my mind off him. i try to distract myself and talk about random silly things just to keep me away from sadness. i hated pretending, faking that it was all okay but really right when i walk in my room. i crash on my bed and all i wanna do is cry and release all this pain. i hate faking it’s okay, i hate putting a cover up that i’m strong cause i feel so weak, I have no energy for anything. I just want it to be different. I don’t want us to just look at each other and pretend all we wanna do is say hi to each other. i hate how every single minute of the day i hope i see him where we usually are, i hope whenever i look for him around i catch him looking for me too. I hope i don’t have to look at him and just look away after a second, i wanna stare into his eye and tell him how i really feel. but i can’t cause i’m the one who made the decision, i’m the one who decided to throw this all away. IM THE ONE.

It starts off with the stage of how, where it all started.

The first meet

Then that’s when you judge the physical looks

From top to bottom, Until you figure out if there’s any interst

That would be attraction

Then you communicate with each other like there’s no tommorow

Development happens

You find ways, even if it’s out the usual way

To get to see him and talk to him all day

You get so into each other

Laughing all day until your cheeks just start hurting

You feel this burst of happiness without even realizing

Until it gets to the next stage that you can’t get enough of it

You two make it official

You try so hard to impress each other

When it’s useless, cause you already know there’s something

Out of the ordinary and special between you two

Then Honeymoon stage begins, 

Kisses after kisses, Long hugs, Deep stares in the eye

That makes you feel head over heels

And just not wanna sleep because it feels too good to be true

Then you become to love the two of you together

It makes you feel better when the crowd gets involved

And when they compliment how lucky and cute you guys are

The cute stage slowly gets put aside

Since too much effort is needed for that

Then you get to know beyond what’s really there

Late night phone calls about life

The past, the future, goals, plans, you let it all out

Once you open your door, and let someone in your soul

That’s where the feelings gets really involved

They start to know about your family, your hobbies, your interest

And it gets deeper into your weakness, your sad stories and secrets

And then your stories intertwine into a strong connection

Of how much you two relate

And how much you just wanna conversate forever

You share stories, then advices and then it becomes

The usual

You wait for that everyday, everynight

You wait for long stories, good advices

But it becomes ironic

Cause things fall apart 

It feels like the whole world is turning against you

Because once they’re in you, 

They make you feel the spectrum of feelings

From happiness to being hurt

You can stand it, the arguments, the rush of words

So hurtful, so strong that it makes you let go.

It’s not easy because the attraction remains there

The feelings seem so irremovable.

You wake up knowing you’re not together

You feel some remorse of regret 

Wishing never existed in your life

But in reality, you start missing the goodness you shared

You just want him back more than anything

But your pride takes over

You let it simmer for months

Try to open your eyes to other people

Try to forget what you once had with that certain someone

But you realize nobody equals him

Nobody compares to him

And you feel horrible, because what if he’s moved on

But there was no choice you had to live with it

Had to force myself to let go.

But the moment you really commit yourself to doing so

He comes back, he announces his love for you

He wants you back 

You step back extremely speechless

You fall too fast and Think so less

Your heart beats 42733278x faster

And you agree

And you don’t realize

You start to fall in love

Cause once you know how it felt without them

You start obsessing over each other

But repeats always happen

Things fade away

Priorities change

Confusion takes place

Stress takes over

Time is running too fast

We’re still always by each other

2 years past, but

Now we’re on hold

Because I don’t know what we are

I’m lost. 

I need a direction

I need something to believe in

Because i feel stranded

In a place where 

I’m deceived by happiness

And broken by loneliness

the moment silence takes place between us, the moment others started noticing how dry our conversations went, the moment when you looked happier with others, the moment you acted like space was needed, the moment when i started getting hurt, because what I once believed in is complete utter bullshit, the moment when I couldn’t even look you straight in the eye, the moment when I had to resist your hand from touching me, the moment when days flew by and I realized Im not even what you want anymore.

I knew this was coming. I knew it. I’m just tired of crying man, really done.

negativity, sad thoughts are taking over my life.

i pretend i’m fine but i’m really dying from the inside. i feel lost with no direction. I dont know who to run to exactly. i just want to fall and break down for hours and wake up and everything turn out to be back to normal. but that will never happen. I break down, the bad memory, the pain sticks to me forever and that’s something i have to live with

I don’t know. I can’t quite figure out why tears keep falling down my eyes. Where all this sadness is coming from. I wish I can put it all in words and have it just make perfect sense, but it seems impossible for that. My emotions are all over the place. I feel crushed. Not physically nor mentally. But emotionally, I am. I hate crying over him because I hate finding out reasons that I’m sad because of him. Cause all I want him to do is make me laugh, giggle and get a shit load of butterflies floating in me, like I just got swept off the floor by the best person in my world. Thats all I want because those are the only memories I ever want to ever remember with him. I blur out every bad days I have with him, but it’s so hard to just blur it all out when bad days take place day after day. I don’t ever remember the last time I really laughed till my stomach started hurting cause of him, I don’t remember the last phonecall we had without bad hang-ups, I don’t remember the last time you looked at me like I was the only girl you ever wanted to get your eyes on, I don’t remember getting long random txts from you telling me how much I mean to you. I don’t remember you doing something lame just blowing me away with it. Yes we are okay, Yes we are together, Yes we kiss and hug at every chance that we can, Yes we hold hands, Yes we are alone most of the time, Yes we txt all day, Yes we still say good mornings, i love yous and goodnights throughout the day, Yes we still surprise each other every special occasion, Yes we still smile at each other from here to there. But are we really enjoying every moment we share or do we just go with the motions? Do we just still keep doing that because it’s been so long, it’s been carved in daily, monthly, yearly routines?  I’m hurting because I see the potential, If not now but in the future that we pretend, we lie that this is all love but in reality we are just blinded, stranded and stuck in this situation. I;m not suppose to question us, but it’s hard not to when everything seems unbalanced. You’re tired most of the time while I’m over here trying to plan out ways we can hang out. I’m over here finally being open with my parents about you, about how amazing and serious you are with me. That was the hardest thing to do, i put every effort, i dealt with repeated rejections and fought every fight, went against my parents will for you. But when I ask for you to find a way for us to see each other, one rejection makes you stop there. I fear that I’m in love with the wrong person and that that realization will end up to be tolerated and ignored. I fear that I’m discovering his weakness and I can’t turn it to something workable, something I can accept. I fear that his failures will cause every step, every obstacle we had to leap through to get this far..to end up as nothing.  I;m standing on a platform full of fear and risks and I chose this. Therefore I should fix it, I shouldn’t just escape this. There was once a strong reason why I fell for him, Little flaws shouldn’t be enough to make me fall out of love. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m just seeking for attention again, full -close deep attention that he always gave me. Maybe he really still has strong feelings for me, he is just being too caught up trying to catch up to my standards that he is forgetting how this all started, how we fell in love. Maybe he fell in love with trying to be good enough, he forgot I’m always here for him. That i’ll be here waiting.. I miss him, It;s sad cause I miss him still even if I’m with him most the time, I miss the real vibe, I miss how we used to be a lot, I want that back more than anything in this world. I wish i never got the taste of the good so when its gone i won’t look like a lost puppy searching all over the place for it,

I’m done asking each other if we are happy. I just want us to be so busy laughing our asses off all day that we don’t even have to reassure or question each other. I’m done asking you through txt what you’ve been doing all day. I just want to be with you all day doing random things, taking fun useless trips and just being fun. I’m done having to send pictures. It’s much better taking them with you. I’m done logging on facebook and getting depressed over all these couple albums. Instead, I want my own album of me&you to remind me how lucky & blessed I am to have you.

or are you just used to me? 

the way you look at me at certain days like today i feel like you’re just tired of seeing my face, like it’s the same face you see every other period, it’s the same worn out smile you see, the same problems you repeatedly deal with, the complains you usually hear. i feel like i’m the old news and it’s time to replace me because i’m getting boring, i’m not out of the ordinary because you’re so comfortable with me. i feel like some days when i annoy you, hatred takes over to the point that you don’t wanna be with me anymore but you’re just afraid you’ll hurt me, you’re just afraid you’ll feel lonely nobody to hold and kiss for awhile.  i have this thought in my head, this often crosses my mind but i DON’T KNOW. Only you know, and i will never find out. therefore, I keep my thoughts to myself so it won’t lead to unnecessary shit.